As anyone who skis on short breaks or regularly will know, there are certain types you always tend to encounter on the slopes. Perhaps you’ll recognise some of these infamous characters. Perhaps you are one of them!
The Accident Waiting To Happen
The reason why the cost of your insurance goes up every year. They’re fresh out of ski school, maybe they didn’t even bother learning the basics, preferring instead to pick it up “as they go along”. Now they’re in front of you, coming to a messy stop in the middle of the piste with no warning; or they’re right behind you, out of your field of vision, but you know they’re there because you can hear their heavy, panicked breathing, maybe even smell their fear, right before they slam into you; or they’re coming in from the side, their ski tips at the same height as your ears, having badly misjudged a jump. A total menace, with a minimum of ability, no control over their speed, and zero idea of the correct protocol on the piste. Keep a wide berth unless you want to become part of a tangled, groaning heap of limbs, skis and poles.
The Inconsiderate Boarder
Without a care in the world, he slides sideways down the piste, scraping off every inch of snow as he goes. It’s like this is his actual job, keeping the the ski slopes free of snow to make it that much more difficult for everyone else. Be sure and thank him for his hard work.
The Ski Lift Amateur
Will cause chaos and confusion whenever they attempt to board a lift, be it a T-Bar, a chair or a gondola. Either they’ll misjudge the timing and fall on their arse, get their skis tangled when getting off and do themselves, and anyone unfortunate enough to be sat next to them, an injury, or they’ll spend so long putting their skis in the rack on the gondola they’ll not have enough time to actually climb in themselves, and have to hope someone has the sense to take them out for them at the top.
The Ski Lift Creep
Just as much, if not more, of an annoyance, is the Ski Lift Creep. Whether it’s making overtly suggestive and inappropriate remarks, insisting on conversation when you just want to enjoy the peace and quiet, talking loudly on his phone or lighting a cigarette and blowing the fumes all over you, the thought of spending the next 10 minutes sat next to them feels like an eternity. Worst of all, maybe, are the ones who, even though they say nothing for the whole journey, still manage to somehow set your teeth on edge.
The Child Prodigy
As soon as he was able to stand upright unaided his parents had him on skis, funding private lessons or coaching him themselves for a month every season. Now, at the tender age of five, he puts your limited skills to shame, slashing past you with style, grace and total obliviousness to your seething jealousy. If you encounter him in the restaurant at lunchtime, make a point of spilling his juice box.
The Seasonal Worker
Their presence in resort may only be temporary, but what’s permanent is their hangovers, and vivid goggle marks betraying a desperation to spend every available minute on the mountain. Usually seen only after lunchtime when they’ve finished their chores in resort, as soon as the last bed is made and the last glass wiped they’re out the door and onto the lifts, before spending the evening crowded round a table at the loudest bar in town, downing shots of eye-wateringly high alcohol volume, and braying about their feats in the snowpark that afternoon.
The One Who Should Really Stick To The Piste
Tired of what they consider the uniform blandness of the curated piste, and envious of those enjoying all that fresh powder, they venture off-piste for the first time, and instantly regret it. Within 30 seconds they’ve lost either a ski or a pole and spend the next ten minutes trying to find it, before struggling to get started again. Repeat for half an hour before they admit defeat and head back to the comforting safety of the crowds.
The Fashion Victim
Clad head to toe in the most expensive, luxurious and completely repellent ski gear to be found in Europe’s most expensive, luxurious and completely repellent boutiques, their dedication to looking good on the slopes inevitably extends only as far as their clothes, their actual technique resembling a panicked deer on an ice-rink.
The Negligent Parents
They’ve dropped the kids off at ski school with a wave and a promise to be back at 3.30 to pick them up. Then it’s up the mountain for the first run of the day, which finishes at the bar closest to the summit, where they’ll pitch up for the rest of the day on a sun-drenched terrace, drinking copious amounts of alcohol and barely giving a passing thought to the progress of their offspring until it’s time, with a reluctant sigh, to drain their wine glasses and head back to the hotel. You’ll observe them emerging pink-faced from the restaurant, carefully and slowly edging along the side of the piste, making for the nearest lift.
The Pro
In training for the next Olympics, they’re consistently amazed at the inability of regular skiers to recognise their glory and move out of the way with awed silence. Instead, constantly forced to slow down or change direction to avoid collisions, their frustrations mount to the point where they scream “Don’t you know who I am!”, at which, literally everyone, will say, “No.”
Experience travels in another way. Experience gifts by Tinggly:
